[교환학생] 영어 작문 연습5 - Changes in the South Korean Government between my parents' Generation and my Generation

0. 들어가며

 이 글은 Grammer 수업 과제로 출제된 문제인 '부모 세대와 자기 세대 간 차이점을 서술하시오'를 답하고자 작성한 것이다. 나는 부모 세대와 나의 세대가 군사 독재 정권을 기점으로 분리된다고 생각했으며, 외국인들도 마땅히 대한민국의 어두운 일면을 알아야 한다고 판단해서 이 주제를 골랐다. 관련 과제를 이용한 수업이 끝난 이후, 나는 문법 공부를 위해 혼자서 문법 및 내용을 수정하고자 노력했고, Larry는 그러한 나를 도와주었다. 고작 두 문단에 지나지 않은 짤막한 글이지만 수정 및 보완을 거듭하는데 무려 3주가 소요되었다.

 

1. 본문 (교정 전)

Title: Changed Political situations: parents’ generation and our generation (origin sentences)

 My father was born in 1967, and my mother was born in 1969. In 1961, Military dictatorship was established in South Korea by JeongHee Park: We usually called this period “Third, Fourth and Fifth Republic of Korea (1961-1989)”. Thus, all of the people in South Korea were controlled by government. Initially, South Korea Government prohibited travel to other countries except few situations such as business. People usually visited other provinces in South Korea for travel instead of overseas. And they also prohibited behavior that people go outside at night. If people didn’t follow this rule, they were detained by police. In addition, my parents had to learn military training in high school, this subject called “Gyoreon(교련, 敎鍊)”.

 On the contrary, in my generations, people have considered personal freedom to be important. In my parents’ generation, president was only able to make everything such as bills and rules, but now, president can’t make everything like before. Furthermore, South Korea made democratic system more stable. Separation of powers has been working compare with before. So various parts of the system have changed compared with before our generations. It means that people are able to choose what they want to do regardless of South Korea government. At first, we have been approved to travel to other countries by government. Plus, they abolished curfew in night on 1982s, so we have been able to go outside and play with other people so late. Lastly, the subject ‘Gyoreon’ was decided to abolish in November 1988, so that high school students have hadn’t to learn military training anymore.

 

 

 

2. 본문2 (교정 후1)

Title: Changes in the South Korean Government between my parents’ Generation and my Generation (Revised)

 My father was born in 1967, and my mother was born in 1969. In 1961, a military dictatorship was established in South Korea by JeongHee Park: We usually called this period “Third, Fourth and Fifth Republic of Korea (1961-1989)”. Thus, all of the people in South Korea were controlled by the government. Initially, the South Korean Government prohibited travel to other countries except in a few situations such as business.  People usually visited other provinces in South Korea for travel instead of traveling overseas. The government also prohibited people from going outside at night.  If people didn’t follow this rule, they were detained by police.  In addition, my parents had to learn military training in high school. The word for this requirement is “Gyoreon(교련, 敎鍊).”

 However, People who lived in my parents’ generation had protested against the dictatorship for taking their right associated with human being since the military dictatorship. The most famous protesting for democracy in South Korea is ‘June Democratic Struggle’, many civilians were dead in this movement by government through torture and violence. Nevertheless, they didn’t stop to get their right and freedom. In the suppression of the civilian, politicians decided to turn indirect presidential election system into direct. Finally, all of the people in South Korea got the right to choose their president directly. The freedom under democracy in South Korea now means that people are able to choose what they want to do regardless of the South Korea government as long as it is within the law. We can now travel to other countries. The curfew at night has been abolished so we may go outside and play with other people any night. Lastly, the subject ‘Gyoreon’ was abolished in November 1988, so that high school students do not have to learn military training anymore.

 

 

 

3. 본문 (교정 후2)

Title: Changes in the South Korean Government between my parents’ Generation and my Generation (Revised_2)

 My father was born in 1967, and my mother was born in 1969. In 1961, a military dictatorship was established in South Korea by JeongHee Park: we usually called this period “Third, Fourth and Fifth Republic of Korea (1961-1989)”. Thus, all of the people in South Korea were controlled by the dictator government. Initially, the South Korea government prohibited travel to other countries except in a few situations such as business. For travel, people usually visited other provinces in South Korea instead of going overseas. The government also prohibited people going outside at night. If people didn’t follow this rule, they were detained by the police. In addition, my parents had to learn military training in high school. This subject was called “Gyoreon(교련, 敎鍊).”

 In contrast, people in my generation enjoy considerable personal freedom. In my parents’ generation, the dictator alone was able to make the laws and rules.  Now critical parts of the governmental system have been changed. The elected president can’t make all the regulations like before. Furthermore, South Korea has made its democratic system more stable.  Separation of powers has been working well compared with the prior dictatorship. It means that people are able to choose pretty much what they want to do regardless of the South Korea government. We can now travel to other countries without specific government approval. The nightly curfew was abolished in 1982, so we are able to go outside with other people at night. Lastly, the subject ‘Gyoreon’ was abolished in November 1988, so that high school students no longer have to learn military training.

 

 

 

4. 교정해야 할 점

- 글의 맥락 중 군데군데 설명하지 않고 넘어간 부분이 있어 매끄럽게 연결되지 않았다.

- 글의 부연설명이 많고 장황하여 요점을 알아보기가 힘들다.

- 조금 더 명료하게 글을 작성하면서도 핵심을 도출할 수 있다면 더욱 만족스러운 영작이 될 것이다.